Wow. So many posts; I should get dumped more often.
I appreciate all your kind words; honestly, I do. You are smart, intelligent people, and I know what you are saying is right.
I just can't feel it at the moment.
I vascillate between really angry, that he's taken something like this so personally and won't accept, or discuss my apology; to really pissed off with myself because I'm so stupid and emotional; to really believing that I love him.
I called him tonight.
You know that sick feeling that you have in the pit of you stomach; it just sits there, eating at you? I managed to get through the day ignoring that sick feeling. Despite the fact I just wanted to curl up in my bed and space out, I put on a good face, and was even cheery when I went out to visit some clients.
Except, at 8:33pm, I couldn't ignore it any longer.
I rang. I rang his mobile. It rang out. He never, doesn't answer his mobile.
I messaged him. Again, another apology - 'I just want to sort this out'.
But nothing. Even if it was a 'Get fucked, I don't want to hear from you again', I'd get it. I'd move on. I'd then become that strong girl that everyone's raving about, and move on with my life.
It's the not knowing, the not hearing that's killing me.
And I'm scared. Scared that the longer he ignores me, the worse the outcome is going to be.
I'm lying in bed right now, and I'm wishing I could feel his body against mine. It's such a warm, comforting feeling, and think that I'll never have it again...
For someone to accept me, in all my non-size eight glory, and my non-Miss Universe looks, and all my weird sense of humour, and stupid comments, is one in a million. And I fear I have not the strength to go through this again.
I am so lonely.
3 comments:
martie - you have lotsa ppl here supporting you... granted, i can't volunteer the bed-hugs, but lotsa support and understanding! *hugs*
Seconded. Send him a message telling him that after a year together, and all the love you've given him, that it's just common fucken decency to respond to your messages. And that he can consider this a 'Get Fucked, Finally'. And that you've changed the locks.
Seriously, he's treating you like dirt, you have other HOTT sk8r bois waiting in the wings, do it, you funky comadina (coldmedia?) xo
its almost 4am in NYC.
i am also waiting for him to pick up his phone.
It's killing me too....I feel you.
hangin there ;-)
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