Monday, February 27, 2006

Morons = Minty Goodness

Ok, so I'm over the whole 'woe is me' thing in respect to the Ex-Fucker. I spent a week all mope-y about it (and excused you the dreadful lame morose posts that would have gone with it - THANK ME BITCHES) and the final straw came last night, when he asked me:

"Should I take drugs when I go out with the people from work, because they do?"

*cue jaw dropping*

So yeah. I didn't really have anything to say. I still don't. Just behold the dickheadness, and move on.

So anyway, in the midst of all this, I discovered Mint Green M&M's. Good product, bad promoter.

Why did Pamela Anderson need to come all the way out here to promote something that will probably never pass her lips anyway? Oh, that's right. Because the Australian consumer loves to buy stuff endorsed by a haggard old Barbie doll, yeah? (Exhibit A - check out the Video Shits interview with Axle. Does this inspire you to wank?).

Anyway, maybe there should be a reality TV show for people who get sucked in by advertising the most, because I would win. Then I would be invited to appear on Friday Night Games, and be the first person to give Mike Goldman a wedgie, or melt his makeup or something (punching or killing him just seems too violent). Hurrah. Then the world would thank me.

And you too would thank me. You could say "I used to know that girl when she was a blogger", and we could get all six-degrees-of-separation on each other's asses.

Yes, truly, a great week was had.


PS - Much thanks to the people that identified with the Ex-Fucker situation with their Ex stories in previous comments. Apologies for not replying individually to each comment, but I really now just want to move on. Much appreciated though.

Monday, February 20, 2006

And that's the sound of my heart breaking all over again...

As we speak, I am currently in the midst of texting the Ex-Fucker.

Yes, yes, I know. Dangerous territory. But there is no one here; everyone is off doing stuff and did not reply to my 'Help!' texts, so I kinda got sucked in. Willpower is so not my forte.

It's just basic stuff, 'Hi; How are you?; What have you been up to?' but already my heart is racing at a million miles an hour, and I just know that I will not be able to sleep properly tonight.

Looks as though my 'NYE Freezer' trick didn't work after all.

For the uniniated, I read somewhere long ago that if you write a person's name down on a piece of paper, and place it in your freezer, then it 'symbolises freezing a person out of your life'. Neat trick, huh?

Anyway, I'm not really a superstitious person, but I really want(ed?) to have a hassle free 2006, and try and move on from the hurt and pain I went through with the Ex-Fucker last year.

So on NYE, I wrote the Ex-Fucker's name down, gave a short little speech in my kitchen, which was more of a 'letter' to him, and placed it in the very back of my freezer, with indifferent expectations.

And for the first month and a half of the year, it was working. I had not heard anything from him since NYE, and then a couple of days after, when he text me asking how my NYE was. I did not reply. God, GIVE ME THE WILLPOWER I HAD BACK THEN.

(Update: He just asked me "Are you still living by yourself?")

Anyway, the last couple of weeks, people started asking me (most people around me know of the drama) had I heard from him. I was very pleased (but on the inside, kinda sad) to say that I had not, and that this was going to be a good year, rah rah rah.

Until now. Fucker had to go and mess up my day month year life again by texting me. I should know better; the only way to heal such a broken, broken heart is to let sleeping dogs lie, but I just can't help myself. I am a bad, bad Martie. No smack required.

Anyway, I know most of you have probably been there and done that before - please regale me with your tales of woe, so I can feel a teensie, tiny bit better about the whole deal, please. Also, if you have any superstitions you think might help, don't be shy.

Friday, February 17, 2006

If it's good enough for Flick Scully...

100th post for me! Let's hope it's as shit as all the others. Consistency peoples is thy name of the game.

A DILEMMA! Yesterday, I went to a shopping centre & bought a cheeseburger because I was in a hurry and I was hungry. Whilst acquiring a bottle of diet coke, however, I dropped said cheeseburger on the floor (it was wrapped). As I really had no time to stand in line again, I invoked the Holly Valance Three Second Rule (TM) and picked it up, unwrapped it, threw offending pickle away, and ate it.

Was this the correct thing to do? Do I now have diseases (well, more than I already 'have' anyway)? Should I have 'blown' the germs off it? Please help, oh lurking doyennes of social ettiquette.

It's just occurred to me that I did this in front of an entire food court of people. Should I be embarassed that I ate food from the floor in front of the general public? Does it matter that they were all bogan single mothers under the age of 22, with bad peroxide jobs, wearing tight black pants and parachute motorsport jackets?

Anyway, as this matter of great importance plays on one side of my mind, another matter has intruded into my thoughts; I have a blogger crush* (totally hetero though LOLZ!!!!1!).

What is the etiquette in this situation? Can I still have a crush and be quasi seeing Jungle Boy for the moment? Do I have to advise my crush that they are the object of my affection? If I were to grow a backbone (oh, the irony), and make a move, how would I do that? A carefully worded email? A hint-laden post?

I wonder what Holly Valance would do about this?



*Like fuck I am telling anyone who it is.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

No orgies for me, please.

Fuck me dead and bury me pregnant.

The interwebs are bitchier than the backstage of 'Dancing with the Stars' at the mo'.

I say, that if you want a good site to troll, head on over to here (bitch stole my blog template) and somebody please tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

Anyway, tally ho, keep up the good work, etc etc.

Love

Martie & her human hair beaver

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Order Now: "Mr Horse Cock: Down in the hole 2"

Even the most discerning of readers would be surprised to find out that Jungle Boy came through with some sweet Valentine's day goodness!

No, it wasn't my teal Oroton wallet, but then again, $200 bucks is a lot to spend on a day that well, is just a day really.

Anyway, so imagine my surprise when this morning at work arrives a HUGE box marked fragile, addressed to me! In it:


How a-fucking-dorable!

If you know me, then you'll know that roses really aren't my bag - too cliched.
Now, I don't know if Jungle Boy actually knew I felt this way, but he didn't get me roses because he felt they were too cliched too. An excellent indication, no?

Anyway, we decided that we wouldn't be spending tonight together, as weekdays are just so hard when you have to travel, and get up for work the next day, rah rah rah. So we're holding off until the weekend. That's when he'll receive his present (wink wink, nudge nudge).

So, I thought I'd be bunker down with some $8 dollar ice cream and catch up on some reading, until I opened my mail (well actually not MY mail, just the guy who lived here before me) to find this:

Porn DVD catalogue, containing such memorable titles as:
"Das Sex Hotel"
"School Bus Girls"
"Ping Pong Pussy"
"Japanese Jaw-Dropping Sex Acts" (One for my brother, I would imagine)
and of course my personal favourite, "Mr Horse Cock: Down in the hole 2" (as per my title).

Then we get to the GILTF (Grandma I'd like to fuck) section, and it all just gets weird for me.

Anyway, snaps to Matthew Stafford, and his luddite-ways of ordering through mail order catalogue, not from the internet or brought back from Canberra by a travelling friend 21st Century ways. Oh, the irony of receiving this on Valentines day.

And to you all: hope you had a good Vday and that you didn't discover a message in the Herald-Sun with YOUR EXACT NAME from YOUR EXACT QUASI-PARTNER'S NAME, and jump up and down and get all excited, then thank said partner for message, only to be told it "wasn't me that put it in. What a strange co-incidence" and just slink under your desk, embarassed as all hell. No, I certainly hope you didn't have to go through that.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Icecapades with Ricky Gervaise

Over the next couple of weeks, I will be obsessed with ice-skating. So much so, that I will beg ANYONE to take me to the 'ice disco', which runs every Saturday night, at a local skating rink. Romantic much? Think about it, in nine out of ten romantic comedies, they always end up at an (mainly outdoor) ice skating rink, where they'll be all cutesy with little scarves on, and the chick will stage a fall into the ice-man-hotness, and they'll kiss, and.... WHERE OH WHERE, IS MY ICE-MAN-HOTNESS??

Of course my inspiration stems from the currently showing Winter Olympics, during which I MAY be glued to my couch watching the ice-skating, and perhaps offering up bitchy critiques of each skater's costume. Maybe.

Went to Jungle Boy's last night and we ended up watching The Extras. Please, if you haven't already, it is a must-watch. Even email me for a dvd copy of all the episodes if you have to. I heart Ricky Gervaise so much, and even though he loses some of his appeal without the David Brent facial hair, I still want to make the hot sex with him. And again.

Two days of work for me this week. In my spare time, I plan to: get my giney waxed, sleep in, read my Louis XIV biography, a Christmas present to myself, and be swept off to an ice rink by Ricky Gervaise in the name of Valentines Day. Hopes and dreams people, hopes and dreams.

Speaking of Valentine's day, ugh. I've half done the breaking up deed with Jungle Boy, but half not. I'm back to thinking I don't want to. It's fun, I will admit that much.

Try as I might, I am unable to think of any suitable Vday presents to get him. Except of course, giney waxing (I'm getting sex, dammnit!), which he has been harping at me for AGES to get. Of course, I've resisted because I know he wants it, as part and parcel of the bitch that I am. But I'm kinda sick of having to do my home maintenance all the time, and cannot wait to ball my fists up and rest my ass on them 'to get better light'. No, seriously.

Anyway, apart from that, I'm not really into the Vday commercialism, but don't want to let the day pass by without some sort of acknowledgement. I suspect if I was maybe a little more receptive to the whole idea, maybe my romantic ice-man-hotness would appear? Who knows.

So guys, and clued up girls with guys, here's the brief. The boy is into top level technology; computers; sex and...well...that's about it. I want something that's not gushy (considering we've never exchanged 'I love you's'), but something that is on a romantic-enough level. If you were the subject of my affections, what would you like to receive?? Indeed, what do boys like to receive on Vday?? Unfortunately, things like DVD's and chocolate body paint are already out of the question - so WHAT is it that I can buy him?

Answers, please. Stat. I need help.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A little on the serious side...

Yo.

Something is making me sad at the moment. Actually, my 90 year old woman's back is making me sad too (would anyone want to pick up a 90 year old woman at the D&D ball?), but it's a different sad.

RU486.

A very important little pill that has the potential to affect thousands of Australian women. However, can the right decision be made about it's introduction without politics or religion clouding the issue?

Let's get it straight. The REAL issue here is whether Tony Abbot or the TGA gets to decide if RU486 becomes available. I admit that I haven't read enough about the actual pill itself, and its side effects, so I'm not going to bang on in support of it being introduced willy-nilly. However, when it comes to such a sensitive issue, one that, let's face it, has very strong religous hallmarks, shouldn't the decision be made by a religion-impartial body, not a health minister who's views on abortion are well documented?

The usuals are of course lobbying for RU486 to be banned on the back of the abortion - right or wrong? issue. However, when there is not ONE SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD that can pass the judgement as to whether abortion is right or wrong, the issue regarding the introduction of RU486 should be null and void. There never will be anyone that can answer the right or wrong question. And while faith can guide someone as much as it likes, not everyone subscribes to the same religion or indeed any religion at all, and therefore SHOULD NOT be subjected to someone else's fanatical views, and forced to live by them.

Support choice. Support someone's right to say "I don't agree with abortion on ethical/religous/personal grounds, so I would never have one", but also support someone's right to say "I can't have this baby at the moment, for whatever reason, so I am going to abort it". Don't get picky with reasons: that 'career woman' may be selfish for choosing to terminate her pregnancy so it doesn't interfere with her career, but don't give the right to choose to some and not to others. Besides, how many selfish acts do you see in the world everyday anyway?

My argument is probably going to lose all eloquence right now, because I'm going to give a great big FUCK YOU to Margaret Tighe and the Right To Life band. (Sorry, no link. Too angry). You infuriate me when you wax lyrical about how women just need to have counselling, and they'll 'come round' to the idea of being pregnant or adopting the child out instead. Because it's that easy. You make my blood boil when you almost condone violence or abuse hurled at abortion clinics - their staff and the people who use them - and degrade women who have made possibly what is the biggest choice of their lives.

I sit and wonder if you think of the bigger implications of banning RU486, and abortion, and everything else you stand for. The unloved, unwanted kids? The ones that languish in daycare/creche/after-school care or worse still, are forgotten when it's time to be picked up? The ones that end up on drugs and alcohol because that's what they were born into and know no better? The ones who constantly want to tear their heads apart, because they can't quite get them around why their mother gave them up? And the adoptive parents, who go through the heartbreak of their children denouncing them once they've found their birth family?

Do you think about that Margaret? Do you think about the disastrous effect banning abortions would have? We'd go back to medieval backyard abortions, or secret packets of 'herbs'; where no women would be capable of making an informed decision, even though it would intelligent, capable women that would be forced to use the back door method. Is that what you want Margaret? Australian women being uninformed and misled, and ashamed of the choices they make? For them not to have access to pre or post abortion counselling, thus endangering their mental health? I don't think I even need to mention how downright dangerous and unsafe it is too.

Think about it Margaret. Think about it while your minions run around and lobby the members of parliament for the tomorrow's vote. And while you're thinking about it, remember that you DO NOT and CAN NOT definitively answer whether a human's rights begin at contraception or at birth. Again, no one can. By all means, have your opinion, and stand up for it, but respect the women that don't share your opinion, and make choices that don't agree with your personal beliefs.

If you spent half as much energy in supporting and lobbying for a better future for all of the kids that are on the streets, or going through the DHS system, or the ones that are abused; the ones that actually HAVE rights beyond all reasonable doubt, as you do denouncing a woman's right to choose, you might find that there's a whole nastier world out there and children that COULD use your help. You'd probably be more at peace with yourself too.

Quickly back to the issue at hand; Tony Abbot, do what you know is right. Give control to the TGA and let them decide if it's safe to be sold on the Australian market. Dispense with tomorrow's vote, and search past your Catholic heart, to YOUR conscience, and make the right decision on behalf of Australian women (and men), the ones that elected you to do the very same thing in the first place.


NB. For the record, writer strongly believes in a women's right to choose (obviously). For the record, writer would have an abortion given accompanying circumstance. For example, if writer's unborn child was shown to be carrying a genetic disorder, such as severe downs syndrome, or similar, then writer would think long and hard and most likely* choose to abort the child. Or, in the case that write was to fall pregnant at this present stage of her life, given her unstable financial/relationship circumstances and the fact that she is completely aware that she would be mentally incapabable of bringing a child into this world at this time, then she would most likely* choose to abort it too.

* - Use of the phrase 'most likely' is not a cop out. Rather, as writer has not been in the situation where she is pregnant with the above scenarios, or rather, not pregnant at all, she is unaware of exactly how she would act. Obviously, that's why one would attend counselling, and inform themselves thoroughly, relative to one's feeling at the time, as to whether abortion would be right for them.



Apologies to anyone from my reader base that may be offended by my views. I can understand why, however I don't apolgise for having them. I respect your opinion, please respect mine. Although, healthy debate in comments/email is always welcome.