When the carpet matches the curtains.....

Fanta Pants. Rusty Cock. Ginger Pubes.

I am utterly obsessed, my friends. O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D.

So many questions, so few red-heads willing to drop their pants and let me inspect.

Because whenever I see a flame-haired random walking by, that's my first question.




Does the carpet match the curtains???



Through the bravado of my friend Carlton (as in draught), I once asked a likely looking fellow this very question at the pub once.

His reply (clearly courtesy of his friend Jim. As in Beam) was "If you suck my cock, I'll let you find out."

I politely declined his most generous offer, as I had just eaten, and had no need for sausages and carrots as a snack either.

Despite this, I still fantasise over what exactly is hidden in the undies of a good ol' carrot top. Frustrating much!

So I've decided to make this post a homage of some sort to the red variety: perhaps y'all can guess who is 'a la natural' as well:


1. Cameron 'the ugliest man in AFL since Mick Martyn retired' Ling

Not exactly the most 'red' pic of my old mate Cam, but there's no doubt he's got the flame-throwing moves below the belt.
Just an easy one to get you started kids.

From exciting AFL 'star' to exciting Hollywood 'star'

2. Debra 'I'm so out-acted by the chick with the big rack and squeaky voice' Messing

If I was arsed, I would have got a few shots of Debs, showing some decidingly brown tones and a few blonde highlights here and there through-out the years.
Your decision. Does she have what it takes downstairs to make the grade????

Now, from Hollywood 'royalty' to actual 'royalty'

3. Sarah 'Suck my hairy red toes' Ferguson, aka Fergie (and not of the Black Eyed Peas Variety either).

(Oh look, she's passed the redness on to her sprog too!)


You might be thinking "Aha! Martie gave it away by referring to the red hair on Fergie's toes! I've got her now, smart bitch!". This may or may not lead you to another train of thought, along the lines of "How did Martie get a face full of royal vadge???"

Fear not, readers, I haven't been sticking my nose and various others parts where they're not wanted. I'm simply assuming that if she is a natural red head, then the hair on her toes would have to be playing that game too.

Getting on a jumbo and popping over to the Motherland:

4. Random Russian Male-Order Bride.



Russian male-order brides are almost worth a whole post to themselves. The intro page states:
"Yes, there are hot red haired women in Russia that will make you remember them even after a short meeting."
If I had need of ordering one of these lovely ladies, and she didn't have red pubes, she'd be on the first plane back to Russia and I'd be demanding a refund!!!

Finally, on our way home, passing randoms:


and ending up in the sordid world of politics.

Now here's where it gets interesting.

5. Julia Gillard


(Don't ask me what she was doing on a chinese website)

She has a super clean kitchen folks, now, does she have a super red 'giney too?????


Now, is there anyone willing to guess who is a natural and who is a wannabe????
Whoever is able to guess the most correctly might win a prize.* A special edition porno featuring all red-headed ladies getting down and dirty perhaps??


*NB - Of course, I have no fucking idea if they are natural or not. It's not like they're going to publish a pic of Fergie's pubes on the internet, are they?? And I'm not giving up my dvd either.

You cherry popper, you....

A summation of some sorts of the last week and a bit; anything to get me out of some cleaning really:

1. The Boy (not the Ex Fucker) is back on the scene:

And, I popped his cherry too....


"........"


That's four out of four now.


There's only one Desci, so I'll spare you the gories. However we will be visiting "Martie's Training Camp" in the near future, with a special session on how to "wrap your tool" (his words, not mine).


2. Romance is not dead



The boy took me here on the weekend (cherry was long gone). This was what I woke up to.

'Cept it was raining.

Anyway you get the picture.


3. Check out my sexy new ride:


Heated Seats People. Heated Seats.

Also, leather for easy cleaning after parking. *Sigh* How handy-ness.


4. Anyone know how to clean laptops?

The boy has promised to re-program my computer to install XP professional instead of the crap XP Home that I have now. HOPEFULLY MY COMPUTER WILL STOP FREEZING AT RANDOM INTERVALS AND ALLOW ME GET THROUGH A POST IN LESS THAN TWO HOURS.

However, before I let him anywhere near this puppy, I have to figure out how to remove all traces of PORN from my computer. I don't want to scare the poor lad.


5. Did I mention?????








Looks like a fucking fruit market.

I'd be heading back to captivity, if I were you....

Reports through that Australia's second favourite prisoner (behind the TV show, of course), Douglas Wood, has been released from his Iraqi captors overnight.

This is excellent news for Mr Wood, his family and the muslim community, however driving to work I heard some disturbing reports concerning his freedom.

Amongst the things that he said upon his release, I have issues with the following things:

1. He reportedly wanted to know when he could get a cold 'VB'

2. He inquired as to how the 'Cats' were going
this year.

I am major concerned for the following reasons:

1. VB is a crap beer. How 'bout a nice cold Carlton Draught, poured into a frosty sideways glass? Draught is made from beer. You can do better than VB, Dougie.

2.
Fanta. Pants.




UPDATE!!!!!!
Douglas Wood has signed up as a Geelong member.
Says Geelong CEO Brian Cook "It was obvious that Mr Wood was a devoted fan of the Cats....hasn't lost any passion for his beloved Cats."

I can totally understand this. Because if I was being held captive by some Iraqi rebels, it would be my passion for that would get me through.

I always depend on the kindness of strangers....

You might wonder why I'm posting on a you-should-be-out-drinking-friday night. I'll give you two words that strikes terror into the heart of parents everywhere out there:

Car. Accident.

This is not a desperate grab for sympathy, although kind words always appreciated as I am feeling rather poorly at the present hour. You'll see exactly why I hauled my ass from my sick bed to get my brother's computer to work (yes, I have been commanded back to the Mothership for a few days) shortly.

I just happened to be driving to work Thursday morning, as one does. Was perhaps running a little late due to the fact I stayed in bed just a little too long because I was re-readingthetextsexmessagesfromthenightbeforefromtheexfucker. Ahem. So I was driving along the highway, when some fucktard (and that's being nice) decided to pull out in front of me to turn right. The less said about her the better, in case I get all angry again and it hurts to breathe.

So I T-boned her @ 70km, spun, hit her again, then ended up on the other side of the highway in the middle of the on-coming traffic. There must be some sort of God, because all I know is that I was damn lucky I didn't collide with one of those cars. Luckily I wasn't seriously injured either. And, taking all my good grace to say it, luckily the other girl was either. Seriously.

Anyway, my reason for posting this is that an extremely kind woman from one of the houses came out, as did her daugher, and her daughter's boyfriend. She stayed with me whilst I was in what I assumed was stock. She spoke kind, comforting words when I couldn't reach the parents or the Ex-Fucker on the phone. She organised details for the police and helped to grab most of my stuff from the car, which was no easy task considering it was looking like a second bedroom. She invited me into her home to keep me warm, offered me tea or coffee, and even offered to drive me home when I couldn't get hold of anyone to pick me up.

All this from a stranger. I would say (and so would a lot of other people) that I'm a fairly cynical sort of girl (based on past experiences), however, it's little things like this that restore your faith in human kindness. I know that sounds cliched, but I feel an enormous gratitude and debt to this woamn, who put herself out to help and comfort me. It's something that gives me a fantastic feeling, and makes me proud to know that not everyone is so cunty in this world.

As soon as I'm feeling up to it, I've vowed to A) - take some flowers and chocolates to this woman to say thank-you. A small gesture I know, but I want to show my appreciation to her & B) - do something nice for a complete random. If everyone one did something like this....well, maybe we wouldn't need to send white paper in envelopes to people, would we?

And oh, in the veins of your mum telling you to always wear a clean pair of knickers just in case you get hit by a bus, here's a tip: Don't leave porn dvd's on the back floor of your car in case you have a car accident. You have been warned.

Broken computers are for your ass

Yes, updates have been scarce of late. 'Tis getting harder than an 18 year old boy watching the Big Brother sluts finger themselves in the spa to post from work & my laptop is still fubar'd & The Tart took her PC to QLD with her. As you do.

Some sort of quick recap for my dedicated fans though:

- Have been practising my Carmen Electra Fit to Strip video very hard. Very sore bum now. I'm about ready to smash her gay-eversmiling-gross-tight-t-shirt-wearing instructor though. How 'bout I take the chair, and smash it over your head, sunshine??

- Have just received by secret post the strip-dance routines instalment. Now just gotta get myself some hotpants like Carm's.

- Don't even ask me about my shopping bill last night. For some reason I thought it would be fun to make a butter cake with green icing and hundreds & thousands. Also, after reading this, I was inspired to buy some and try it out. Here's a tip though - Wizz fizz should not be consumed after 11pm on a school night. Take it from an expert.

- Discovered that Baileys & BBQ shapes make great dinner.

- I built a clothes rail. Allen Keys totally rock.

- I got stalked by the Ex-Fucker who then proceeded to abuse me all weekend about A BOY'S car that he saw in my drive WHEN HE WAS DOING DRIVE-BYS PAST MY HOUSE LATE FRIDAY NIGHT. What the fuck is up with that? And yet, my heart still yearns secretly. Not. Ashamed. Much.

- I AM A WINNER . WINNER WINNER WINNER!! Suck me sideways people, I WON!

Let me bask in the glory just a little while....


Anyway, hopefully will resume regular updates soon, that's if the warranty people don't discover that I DROPPED my laptop and I have to pay for the screen to be fixed.