Wednesday, June 22, 2005

When the carpet matches the curtains.....

Fanta Pants. Rusty Cock. Ginger Pubes.

I am utterly obsessed, my friends. O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D.

So many questions, so few red-heads willing to drop their pants and let me inspect.

Because whenever I see a flame-haired random walking by, that's my first question.

Does the carpet match the curtains???

Through the bravado of my friend Carlton (as in draught), I once asked a likely looking fellow this very question at the pub once.

His reply (clearly courtesy of his friend Jim. As in Beam) was "If you suck my cock, I'll let you find out."

I politely declined his most generous offer, as I had just eaten, and had no need for sausages and carrots as a snack either.

Despite this, I still fantasise over what exactly is hidden in the undies of a good ol' carrot top. Frustrating much!

So I've decided to make this post a homage of some sort to the red variety: perhaps y'all can guess who is 'a la natural' as well:

1. Cameron 'the ugliest man in AFL since Mick Martyn retired' Ling

Not exactly the most 'red' pic of my old mate Cam, but there's no doubt he's got the flame-throwing moves below the belt.
Just an easy one to get you started kids.

From exciting AFL 'star' to exciting Hollywood 'star'

2. Debra 'I'm so out-acted by the chick with the big rack and squeaky voice' Messing

If I was arsed, I would have got a few shots of Debs, showing some decidingly brown tones and a few blonde highlights here and there through-out the years.
Your decision. Does she have what it takes downstairs to make the grade????

Now, from Hollywood 'royalty' to actual 'royalty'

3. Sarah 'Suck my hairy red toes' Ferguson, aka Fergie (and not of the Black Eyed Peas Variety either).

(Oh look, she's passed the redness on to her sprog too!)

You might be thinking "Aha! Martie gave it away by referring to the red hair on Fergie's toes! I've got her now, smart bitch!". This may or may not lead you to another train of thought, along the lines of "How did Martie get a face full of royal vadge???"

Fear not, readers, I haven't been sticking my nose and various others parts where they're not wanted. I'm simply assuming that if she is a natural red head, then the hair on her toes would have to be playing that game too.

Getting on a jumbo and popping over to the Motherland:

4. Random Russian Male-Order Bride.

Russian male-order brides are almost worth a whole post to themselves. The intro page states:
"Yes, there are hot red haired women in Russia that will make you remember them even after a short meeting."
If I had need of ordering one of these lovely ladies, and she didn't have red pubes, she'd be on the first plane back to Russia and I'd be demanding a refund!!!

Finally, on our way home, passing randoms:

and ending up in the sordid world of politics.

Now here's where it gets interesting.

5. Julia Gillard

(Don't ask me what she was doing on a chinese website)

She has a super clean kitchen folks, now, does she have a super red 'giney too?????

Now, is there anyone willing to guess who is a natural and who is a wannabe????
Whoever is able to guess the most correctly might win a prize.* A special edition porno featuring all red-headed ladies getting down and dirty perhaps??

*NB - Of course, I have no fucking idea if they are natural or not. It's not like they're going to publish a pic of Fergie's pubes on the internet, are they?? And I'm not giving up my dvd either.


Anonymous said...

OK, I'm a bit slow. So this is the meaning of fanta pants?

- Caz.

Anonymous said...

The russian mail-order bride is just a wannabe bushfire - and a bit of advice, after a short meeting with her you'd better count your testicles.

schoolbully said...

Wow! You're sick! Even weirder than that Caz chick.

Normal people don't think these things. Normal people contemplate things like:

Why do we need a hot water heater? If it's hot it doesn't need to be heated.


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Why do our noses run and our feet smell? Particularly during sex.

Try it... works for me....

Dirk said...

Julia Gillard is hot.
Very, very hot.

Desci said...

I've heard eyebrow color matches pube color.

I always pictured bloodnuts as having a darker red for pubes. like, browny-auburn.

Oh, and that guy 'Schoolbully'? Needs to be spayed. What "original" witticisms! Fuckwit.

schoolbully said...

Hey Desci!

here's a few more - just for your benefit. Enjoy :)

Why are boxing rings square?

Why, when lights are out, they are invisible, but when the stars are out, they are visible?

Why do we call them apartments when they are all together?

thewinchester said...

Such a thought-provoking piece which will leave me wondering about Julia Gillard for way too long.

Now to Schoolbully - I'd like to make an quite reasonable suggestion which you may or may not choose to take on board... get a life.

You sound like the kinda guy who's behind a letter writing campaign to Sen. Helen Coonan complaining about Big Bogan being too raunchy for TV. You know the kind of person - the 55yr old 1940's throwback who get's their jumpers from out the front of Don Burke's place on bulk rubbish day, or raids the Salvo's charity bin outside the local community centre for them.

Normal people are creative and have imaginations, and they also have a tendancy to use them.

Martie said...

Caz - Would hate to know what you thought it meant before...

Anon - lucky for me I don't have any testes, but I will agree that she is a wannabe red-head.

Bully - like name??? And anyway, maybe I like being sick. Caz is my sick hero. I aspire to be like her.

Dirk & thewinchester - so you think so too, hey??

Desci - the darker auburn-y thing has always been my thought too, but what about those that are fully red - with the freckles and the pale skin, etc. Surely they would be ginger red???

Daniel said...

As a card-carrying bloodnut, I have to admit it's true - matchiing accessories on top and down low.
OK chest hair is darker, and arm hair is like very light ginger, but the pubes are the same as the skull. Is that bizarre? I guess I'm used to it. Although I admit a naturally redhead girl can be a nice surprise ;) just for the unusualness of it.
Hope you can sleep better now :)

Loose Shunter said...

OK Martie, I've taken the bait after your most erudite exposition of Russet foliage. My Answers to your quiz are as follows:
Genuine: A, C, E, F
Fake: B (the roots give it away), D (out of a bottle), G (ditto)
I have had 'relations' with female barbarossa types and found that among the 'full bloodnuts', collars and cuffs match. Among the 'half-caste' (strawberry blonde) bloodnuts, they tend not to. Redheads are all crazy anyway (but good in the sack).
Thanks for rolling back the barriers of pseudo-science


insertnamehere said...

I knew Julia from student politics in the mid 1980s and she was a redhead back then.

So I don't think she dyes.

Mel said...

Gah! thanks for scarring, Martie! My mum, uncles and brother are all various shades of redhead and I don't need any of this speculation.

Re: Julia Gillard, you know how someone with dark blonde hair often experiments by going really blonde? I've known naturally carroty redheads who go absurd shades of cherry just to push the boundaries of their 'natural' hair colour.

Liz said...

I'm naturally ginger, but all my body hair is white-blonde. Eyebrows, eyelashes, pubes, and everything else. So maybe you're right about thinking eyebrow colour matches pube colour. (And it looks like Julia Gillard is the same colouring as me.)

Peter said...

My Redhead is, urm, a redhead. But her secret stays with me.

I do, however, remember when I was in about grade 4 and my friend's dad was a trainer for Carlton (one of the blokes in white pants who run out water bottles). And he used to take us into the rooms after the game. Like, seriously just lift us over the fence and we'd walk down with Sticks and the boys. Before the press got in. Awesome. Even though I barracked for Melbourne.

What was my point...? Ah, yeah. Legendary bloodnut Adrian Gleeson was in the prime of his career. Red hair. Red pubes. We sniggered heaps.

Wayne Smallman said...

"Because whenever I see a flame-haired random walking by, that's my first question.

Does the carpet match the curtains?"

Not always.

I was banging into a jinner for about a year some time ago.

When I met her, she was blonde. It wasn't until I saw her wedding photograph .. and then laughed at her tousled tresses of tangerine candy-floss that I realized.

Besides that, she had a pretty well-kempt shaven haven with a cute little 'insert here' triangle of hair, which wasn't in the least ginger.

Does that help?

Salem said...

I've got more red hair than I can manage, sometimes. Red hair on my head, on my face, on my legs, under my arms, and yes, in my pubic region as well.

Although it seems, on average, lighter colored copper-tops tend to have more blond-ish body hair, while darker reds, like myself, always have curtains to match the carpet. Can't have colours that clash, now can we?

Leyla said...

I'm a redhead.. not a "ginger" though, as in I don't have the pale skin and freckles. And yes, the carpets do indeed match the drapes. Although, my eyebrows are light brown, so whoever a few comments up said pubes match eyebrows is wrong. Any natural redhead will have red pubes.

Anonymous said...

Leyla - youv'e got me on my knees, Leyla

Anonymous said...

My entire family is a real life Weasleys. Pale skin, freckles, blue or green eyes, varying shades of fire red hair. All of us are carpet/drape matching.

It has come up in convo with other redhaired acquaintances, and I've found that girls with brown eyes the answer tends to be no.

With me my eyebrows are so light I actually tint them so that I don't look freakish.

BTW, if you ever asked me that in front of my bf, he would kick you to the curb. Redhead creepers can be the worst.