Itsy Witsy Teenie Weenie
You've probably noticed an abundance of 
these
sort
of
pictures
on my blog lately.
Yeah. I have bad body image. B.A.D.
Ever since oh, let's see, 1988, when I was in Grade Three, and my teacher did a weight graph of the whole class, and mine was the 2nd highest.
Ever since all through high school, in particular one comment from a cunt in Year 8 who promptly informed me (via messenger - AS YOU DO IN YEAR 8) that he didn't date girls over 50kgs.
Ever since Ex-Boyfriend No 2 dumped me in part because I was fat (SO WHY GO OUT WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?).
Awesome.
Now, I don't neccessarily find myself to be grossly overweight a la the above pictures. Although, I have my days where I consider myself to be a pretty good representation.
My best friend tried to set me up on a blind date about a year ago; part of the description she gave my potential date was "she looks top heavy, but only because she has big boobs".
So I've got the curves. Years of netball have conditioned pretty good legs. But still, I fight every day with myself; every bit of food that I consume; everytime I look in a full length mirror. I'm depressed.
Not outwardly. Outwardly, I'm friendly, intelligent, happy. I'm 'smashing through glass ceilings' & wearing 'power suits' and shit (Hello-Hi!) as I climb the corporate ladder. I'm occassionly sexy. It stands to reason really; I've not been without a boyfriend for more than six months since 1997 (ALTHOUGH IF YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT PSYCHOLOGY/MIND SHIT, YOU MIGHT SAY IT'S A SELF ESTEEM ISSUE AND I LET MYSELF GET TREATED BADLY BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF BEING ALONE - WELL DONE YOU). Regardless, people still want to have sex with me, in the daytime, with the lights on, sober. And thank god for disco pashes.
I've tried Weight Watchers at least four times; I've tried my own at-home version of Weight Watchers with some friends (who still have my $10 entry fee). I've tried Jenny Craig. I've tried a nutritionist. I've tried a personal trainer. I've tried exercising with friends. I've tried making the psycho ex-boyfriend act as my personal trainer, and get up at 5am in the morning, and drive to my house to go walking with me. I've tried exercising by myself. As a team sport. In a gym. I've tried hiding my wallet so I'm not tempted to by junk. I've tried making my mum my food nazi. Fuck it, I've tried everything.
It's said that you can never achieve something unless you truly want it. So you might be reading this saying "Oh, she's lazy, has no willpower, etc".
But that's the thing. It's the one thing that I want more in life. Not money, not sex with a fantapants. I just want to be able to fit into good looking clothes. It consumes me. Day & night.
This is the worst time of the year for me. It's the time that summer stuff is coming in & the realisation that winter is over & with it go the (long suffering) jeans & jumpers, and here come the singlets & mini shorts/skirts.
I try to stay away from people in the summer. I don't want a reminder of people wearing cute singlets looking cool (temparature-wise as well) while I'm stuck in my t-shirt to hide my ugly arms & a denim skirt to my knees to hide my upper thighs. Don't even ask me what I do to compound the problem that is my middle section.
I could probably write about try 170,892 at having a go at this diet thing - although I know you're probably all sick about reading about my failed attempts by now. I'm certainly sick of thinking about them - be grateful I don't write about this every day.
Please don't write me off as someone who is too lazy, and who has no willpower. Well actually, maybe I don't have any; I could be picking up, and paying for a bar of chocolate, just staring at it, and thinking of the million & one reasons I should put it down. Even while I'm eating it, I feel nothing but shame, & disgust for myself. To combat these feelings, I'll usually go shopping right afterwards (or the next day if it's a late night binge) and try to fit into clothes I want to buy, just to punish myself.
I need to break the cycle. Permanently. Not for five weeks, like my last big effort last year with my nutrionist, but forever. But how? How do I tell myself to break a lifetime habit, even with all the resources at my fingertips.
It does all come down to how badly you want it. And how strong the catalyst is. But where do I find my catalyst. Can it come soon; I really want to buy some new bathers for my holiday.
OR:
Martie on holiday
*withdraws*
28 comments:
Martie,
I think you are a strong intelligent woman. You probably have heard that from heaps of people. I myself want to loose some weight. I might be only 95 kilos, but I used to be 85 for a long time when I was dating bitchface, but after I dumped her, I gained an extra 10.
I think I broke the 100 mark once.
However, when I changed my diet, I did drop down to 93, but have since gone back up to 95. However, I think Im converting my fat into muscle. Still I don't know why I can't have that muscle and be 85 kilos again?
It however does come down to how much you want it, and the support that you have. You need the support. More than some bloggers saying "You can do it" and the like.
If there is one thing I know about you Scorpio's is that you get what you want. It might not happen as quick as you'd like, but it will happen.
Even though I havn't really known you for that long. I do have faith in you that you will reach your goal.
xox
H/M
If there's one thing I know about Scorpio's...
Since when are you an astrological expert, Hambo?
I'm going to come at this from a different angle, Martie. Seems to me the problem's in your head, not around your middle.
You clearly have no trouble engaging the menfolk. Generally men are too shallow to see past the sort of flab you seem to think you carry to see the woman within so I'm not sure your weight problem is the big deal you suggest.
Trade in the nutritionist for a sesh or two with a counsellor and see if that breaks the pattern.
Snap Hack, I was going to suggest something similar.
Martie, I don't want to come across as Dr INH, the interwebs shrink but some of your posts make me think you may be suffering from clinical depression.
Have you considered seeing a therapist?
P.S Hack - is that Billy Hughes as your atavar?
Aw Martie - what's wrong with us? It's as if you just typed a post straight out of my head. Word for painful word.
I have been considering seeing someone shrinkesque... but then I worry that they'll judge me. I'm such a masochist!
Please let us know how it goes - I'll post about my tribulations, if I get over myself and go and speak to someone!
Correct, INH. You get a pick of the board, and the $25 is still up there.
Martie my love I echo Janet's words. That blog post sounded just like my internal monologue. Please know you are not the only one going through this. xox
INH, Pick the home viewer!!! The cash is always under the home viewer.
Just what the internet needs: more fat fuckers whinging about how they can't resist food and keep chubbing up -- because they're too busy sitting at the computer whinging about how they can't resist food and keep chubbing up to go outside & do some fucking exercise.
Pathetic!!
Martie sweetie, boyfriend No 2 probably started going out with you when you weren't such a hideous lard arse.
H/M - You already know my thoughts, have you managed to find out what dry shampoo is yet?
Hack - I think it may be a combination of both - the flab & my head. I did try a counsellor, in an informal sort of way, but all he did was try and make me go on one of those whey powder kick starts, so it's put me off them. I just need to find the motivating catalyst, and I've got all the knowledge to do it.
INH - It's funny you should mention - I actually went and saw a doctor about how I was feeling, and was told I was fine, basically making something out of nothing. This is the second time it's happened. It's hard to find a doctor that actually listens.
Janet - If I do, I will certainly let you know. Are you still going to WW? Has it changed much?
Kate - if you think that was your internal monologue, then get this: I was on the Hurstbridge line this morning - how spooky! But thanks x
Anon - Just what the internet needs; more anonymous commenters too gutless to 'have a go' under their own identity. Awesome. Although you are right. Instead of coming home and eating dinner, and jumping on internet on the days I have off, I should be out exercising & stuff.
Hack/INH/Hambo - the $25 dollars is always under someone from CSI
google is my friend. So your in a rush?
Martie -- Instead of coming home and eating dinner, and jumping on internet on the days I have off, I should be out exercising & stuff.
YES!! Then there would be less of this shit blog.
Actually Anon, the adrenaline would get my brain working again, and I'd actually start writing more - good stuff too, probably.
Anon, I believe you've already had your arse handed to you on a platter by Martie; best to just cover it in gladwrap and fah-fah-fah-faaaahk off, mmkay?
Hi Martie,
Here's a fantastic blog you might find helpful
www.dietgirl.org
It's written by a wonderful woman who has had a big journey with her weight. She shares very honestly, and it's an inspiring read.
Good luck..you sound like a cool girlie and deserve to be happy, whatever your size
Anon 1: you are clearly a bitter and twisted person.
martie and others here may be larger than average, but we can diet. You, on the other hand, will always be an arsehole.
Have a nice day.
hawkeye23 -- You, on the other hand, will always be an arsehole.
So is Martie. At least I am not a fat arsehole with a boring blog. I would not usually say anything -- fat people can be lovely. It is just when they are fat and also arseholes someone needs to let them know.
'We can diet'? Can she? I doubt it.
But maybe if Martie did some of that exercise and 'got her brain working again' this site might be less pathetic!
Great comeback, Anon. Because anonymously calling someone an arsehole on their own site is in no way the act of a gutless cunt, is it?
I cannot deny that calling someone names anonymously is the act of a gutless cunt.
That must be why the hack has an internet page where he does it all the time himself.
Oh no! The evil, nasty Hack is making anonymous comments!!11!! OMG!!!!!1! I've lost so much respect for myself right now.
The difference between you and me, anonymous, is that you know I am making comments and, if you look at my blogger profile, you know where to find me on the Interwebs to dish up some of my own bitter medicine.
Yep. That will teach me to be nice to everyone in the blogosphere. Even all the mouth-breathers we regularly touch up on TSSH.
You, by contrast, are a faceless, gormless sniper.
Have some pride and give yourself at least an online identity when insulting others, chump.
Desci - I want my platter back!! xx
Anon 2 - Thank you so much - I've had a quick glimpse, and I've got some weekend reading to do now. Much appreciated xx
Hawkeye - Martie and others here may be larger than average
LOLZZZZZ - Larger than average!! Nearly as good as 'Top Heavy'!
Hack - You're so Evil & Nasty. What does 'mouth-breathers' mean??
And Finally, Anon 1 - I draw the line at being an arsehole! Since when have I been an arsehole? Can girls really get called an arsehole? To me, it's a name someone might call a guy when he is jerking them around, or being rude, or being drunkenly rude. Call my blog boring & pathetic, call me fat, but arsehole? In exactly what way have I been an arsehole? Does anyone else have any idea? What a funny little context you've used it in, sweet cheeks.
PS, Anon 1 - You're just jealous because you'll never have awesome tits like mine.
Arsehole indeed!
Hello there Anon 1, I have a question for you. It may or may not cause you brain to explode. We will soon see.
Answer me this. If you find Martie's blog boring, why read it at all? Is it cause you have a even more "boring" life, and reading this blog is the most exciting thing you have ever done?
I don't really get your kind. You hate something, yet you have some kind of addiction.
I can see you sitting there in your greasy y-fronts and your Star Wars t-shirt on, talking out loud that "This blog is the most. Boring. Ever"
Go back to your world of warcraft or whatever the fuck you do.
Hambo is a gutless cunt.
Martie, a mouth-breather is someone with a slack jaw who breathes through their open mouth, often with the witless look of the brain-dead on their face.
People like your anonymous mate.
Oh.
*shuts mouth immediately*
Oh what gave it away?
I know where you are coming from, I totally feel the same way a lot of the time... it's hard, especially when I'm sitting here telling myself how hopeless I am for not being able to lose weight, and the whole friggin world is also pointing at me and telling me the same thing. It's shit.
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