Existence

Living v Existing

If you're existing, you're getting up in the morning, and going to work. Not loving it. But not hating it either.

If you're existing, you're eating and drinking because it is a neccessary requirement. You're not enjoying it; it's not social, in fact it probably all tastes the same.

If you're existing, you're talking to people, and being polite, but you're not going out to par-tay with them, or telling them to fuck off because they're wankers or some such. Most of the time, they're faceless.

If you're existing, you're not happy, bright or bubbly. But you're not sad, or moody or gloomy either.

You feel like a robot, on autopilot, going through the motions, but never quite experiencing the emotions of it all.

Profound? Not really. So how do I know?

Because I am currently just existing.

I go through my day-to-day routine, but I have no interest in it.

I'm not depressed, but I'm not waking up excited about what the day will hold for me.

It's as like, there is no 'point' to my actual existence at this moment in time. Fear not, this is not a suicidal cry for help. I'm not cowardly, or smart, or even fucking stupid enough to take my own life. I know that some time in the future (next week/month/year) there'll be a point, but for now, I feel nothing.

I alluded to the fact that I don't have any/many friends early this year/late last year. This is not exactly true. I have many varied friends. Some a bit older than me, some my age, some boys, some girls. I have a bestest friend, between who, the tyranny of distance cannot come.

However, my friends aren't a 'social network'. They don't all know each other. I used to be part of a large, and sometimes rather incestous, social network. However I've been on the outer for the last few years, and the last straw came when a former close friend had his annual birthday barbeque, and I was not invited, at the insistence of another former close friend to whom I stood up to when I found out she had been going to town about me behind my back.

This kind of shit, I don't need. Sure, I've lost the social aquaintance of a few people, but I'd rather sit and watch the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony again, than be in a room full of two faced people.

So, I'm afraid, it's me and my values that sit home alone most friday nights (a lot of my friends having kids you see). The prospect of spending a weekend by yourself is not thrilling, but I'm not moping about it either. The whole thing's rather apathetic really.

I know I need to get out there; meet new people; get that new job I've been promising myself; start eating right again (dinner last night was cashews and not-so-cold-diet coke), and then I will be able to experience emotions again. The rush of excitement you get when you get a crush on someone, or the enjoyment of going out for good food. Or even the disappointment you get when you find out your crush has a (stunning) woman, or the anger you feel when the service you experience in your favourite restaurant is non-existant. This is living.

This is why I'm just existing.