Country Victoria Checklist

Add this one to the passport:

Halls Gap - Ding!

Jungle Boy & I went took a leisurely drive through the countryside, stopping along the way to get lost in Ballarat (those one way streets are motherfuckers, trust me); then travelling on down to the Grampians for the night.

We stayed and played here:

It was hot.

We awoke to kangaroos on our doorstep on Sunday morning; took a walk up to the waterfalls (very romantic) and then on the drive home, passed through this town:

"........"


You can just imagine a conversation with a resident:

"So, where do you live?"

"Moyston"

"Sorry??"

"Moyston"

"Oh....."

Seriously, we sniggered all the way home. All 3 hours of it.*

Next stop on my sex in the suburbs wishlist: Richmond. Stay tuned.




*Because we're all allowed to indulge in childish behavior sometimes

Sex or Uno?????

Sorry dear readers, I feel it is my duty to inform you of something that you may already be aware of, but that I need to clarify for you just in case.

I am not cool.

That's right, y'all are now down with the fact that I'm not part of the cool group and I'm a little bit boring and staid and should stay at home drinking tea and playing Uno and stuff. Oh yes, I am the Uno master.

Apparently I have been deluding myself for the last 20+ years, because it's only just come to my attention that I'm totally uncool. So, why don't I belong *sad pathetic face*?

It appears that I have no status with the cool kids because I HAVEN'T FUCKED A GUY IN A CARPARK BEHIND A BOTTLESHOP OUTSIDE THE OVER 28'S. I'm also not rated because I DON'T PICK UP A DIFFERENT GUY FROM THE OVER 28'S EVERY WEEK AND FUCK THEM.

Gee, funny that. A) - I'm not Over 28. B) - All the guys at the Over 28's are like, 70 and desperate & C) - I wouldn't fuck one of them even if I was 70 and desperate.

Yep, have recently found out that a couple of ex-friends have been 'doing the rounds' and well, I'm not invited because I'm not going to join their wild orgy in the hastily booked motel room out the back of 'da club'. Please, if you told me that this hotness:

and this hotness:

were naked in a seedy motel room waiting for me, I'd be there, with bells on. And not much else. Hell, I'd even consider the carpark for my boyz! But I'm not going the daisy chain with dudes that drink the wine/beer/water with a straw.

I mean sure; I'm a bit of a porn freak; I'm on a mission to have sex in every Melbourne suburb, and yes, I have had sex in Albury, but hey, I still have SOME morals. Getting gravel rash is not included.

I guess I will have to do without those friend and accept the fact that I'm not cool.

So, anyone up for a game of Uno????

Things that annoy me that are dumb and stupid

This has been annoying me for a while; and it is something that is so ridiculously stupid that I am even annoyed at myself for being annoyed at it.

Dove Products. (as in the soap)

When Dove first burst onto the Australian market, way back when (I can't be bothered researching EXACTLY when, so suck me), I was personally offended. Who were these newcomers, muscling in on Palmolive, Lux and others, taking up the supermarket shelf with their 1/4 MOISTURISING CREAM???????

Mind you, I'd never used soap to wash myself with up until six months ago anyway, so I don't know why I got all worked up about it. And really, should a teenager really be caring about brands of soap and their market positions anyway?

It's just that their ads were/are SO annoying. They just wanted to push their 1/4 MOISTURISING CREAM in our faces, and had some cunty commercial chicks pretending that they were all gooey about how good their skin felt, etc, etc. I think I remember that my little baby brother and I used to produce amateur plays to mock those stupid ads. Who said I'm not creative?

Anyway, you may be wondering what my stupid dumb annoying point is?? Guess who's now using Dove like a bitch?? Yep, that's right, I can't live without the shit. I've even started using their soap in the shower! Mmmm, gentle exfoliating beads.

I've got very sensitive skin, and therefore most stuff on the market makes me look like I've got face dandruff even if I only use it for a day. However, somehow, my face is TOTALLY DIGGING THE 1/4 MOISTURISING CREAM, FUCK IT.

It has to be soap karma. I mock Dove commercials, now the only thing I can wash my face and body with is the stupid stuff. For some reason, this annoys every single fibre of my being and I'm constantly trying to wean myself off it, but everytime I do, I run back to it like a dog with its tail between its legs. WHY DOES THE WORLD WANT TO PLAY SUCH A CRUEL JOKE ON ME???

I'm now even hooked on this:

Fresh Radiance Brightening Moisturiser (BET THERE IS MORE THAN 1/4 MOISTURISING CREAM IN THAT PUPPY)

and I'm getting excited about these:

For what girl can resist tiny little cute facial PILLOWS???


Somebody stop me, before I move onto their hair products.....it will never end....

DIE CRAZY FROG DIE

Friday Afternoon Stress Relief.

Can you guess what I've been doing all day??





Tip: Go for the nads.....

Just get straight to the point

Text msg from the Ex-Fucker:
"Can I tell you something?"

Me, wary:
"Ok. What?"

Him:
"My cock is hard"

Me, sighing:
"Why?"

Him:
"Becos I need a pussy"

THE FUCK?
That is all I am, just a pussy.

And I still can't see that I'm better off without him.
This shit is doing my head in.

Travellin' Sex Show

"....and we had sex there, and we had sex there and we had sex everywhere".

A friend of mine recently returned from an overseas jaunt with her man. Apparently the whole thing was just a big bonking junket, so they could have their sex passports stamped. Mountains and public monuments and hotel lobbies, their list was endless, and damnit, there was no accompanying slideshow. Bummer dudes.

It was one conversation that I hesitated on - my list of sex-travel stories is fairly modest. Oh, alright then. It's shit. Check this out:

Metropolitan Melbourne:
Hampton
Sandringham
Black Rock
Beaumaris
Cheltenham
Brighton
Bentleigh
Moorabbin
Glen Waverley
Heatherton
Mordialloc
Mentone
Brunswick
Eltham
Watsonia
Tullamarine
Melbourne
Southbank

Country Vic:
Lakes Entrance
Torquay
Portsea
Lorne
Mallacoota

Interstate:
Albury
Adelaide

Overseas:
NIL!

What I find most amusing in a sad tragic sort of way is not that I've never had sex overseas - IT'S THAT I'VE DONE IT IN THE NATION'S BONKING CAPITAL - ALBURY*!!

However, it's a very depressing sort of list and doesn't exactly paint me in the whoa! adventure! light, does it?

So to cheer myself up, I've come up with a list of all of the strange places that I've done the deed:

* Back carpark of Tulip Street, Sandringham sporting ground. With the radio on for ambience. With the RACV answering our distress call after running of said radio runs the battery flat and the car doesn't start.

* Carpark of Le Page Tennis club, Cheltenham. Memorable for orgasming twice after head, and breaking my brother's sunglasses.

* Carpark at Beaumaris Yacht Club. Look up from back seat, and there's some creepy dude looking in the window. Drive away. Very fast.

* Out the back of Tullamarine airport, near the aircraft viewing area. Just past the country club on the grass, next to the empty field. 'Cept it wasn't empty. A cow poked it's head through the wire right next to the window. Then we got bogged and had to push the car out. The cow thought it was hilarious. Luckily we didn't have to call the RACV again.

So, as I am somewhat financially challenged, Overseas and Interstate are out of the sex passport. But I've decided that I will, ahem, make my mark on all of the suburbs of Melbourne. A bit of variety never hurt.

Keep an eye out for me in YOUR suburb....



* I have no actual data to say that Albury is the national bonking capital. But seriously, what else would you do up there???????

Secret life of randoms...

Lying in bed last night, I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard my mobile buzzing. Being a complete text message whore, I forced my arm out of the nice warm covers and grabbed my phone and pressed read:

"luv to c u"

Who was this late night paramour? I didn't recognise the number, so I text back:

"That's good, but who is this?"

At this point, all sorts of scenarios began running through my head: It was the ex-fucker playing a stupid prank on me; it was someone who genuinely had the wrong number; it was some kids playing a prank to a random number or it was a murderer who had managed to get hold of my mobile number and was standing outside my door and his reply would be "The person who's going to kill you" then would come bursting in with a machete and hack me to pieces.

Overactive imagination, I know.

Anyway, my mobile buzzed again and I jumped 10 feet in the air:

"Remba u sad ur sux"

No self respecting murderer is going to murder the English language like that, no matter how bloodthirsty they are, so I relaxed a little. But fuck me, it was obviously some WTFOMG teen being a smart ass, so I decided to have a little fun:

"WTF? Are you illiterate?" (All the while laughing at the irony of using WTF in a sentence where you pose the question - are you illiterate?!!)

No reply. Damn. The illiteracy thing was a bit heavy for them.

But it got me thinking: I couldn't really get mad at them, because I used to do exactly the same thing when I was young and dumb. I remember back in the good old days when mobiles weren't around and we would dial random numbers in the hope of getting an answering machine, then we would leave a message along the lines of:

"thanks a lot for last night it was really great we should do it again soon" or similar.

Inevitably, a whole lot of 14 year girls would giggle at the end, so hopefully the recipient or the recipient's partner would realise it was a (stupid) joke. Hopefully. Now I'm stressing, hoping we didn't break up any relationships or anything. Please, I beg for your forgiveness if you are reading this. We only said that you had a nice looking dick because saying 'dick' was funny. C'mon, we were 14. It's not like any, err, most of us had ever seen a dick before...

Of course when I discovered text messages, I started up a complete text msg relationship by accident with a complete random. But now that I've 'grown up' and I actually VALUE money, I'm a little less hasty with the buttons, if ya know what I mean.

Do you reckon that it's sad that I sometime dream about accidently texting someone, and finding out they are your soul mate, then marrying them, then....

Fuck. This is all too chick flick for me....

Martie goes to the snow

Whoa! It's been a fucking long time since I've posted. I'd like to tell you that I was whisked away to some tropical island; unfortunately I have just been busy and lack of internet access at home is killing me! Killing me, I tells ya.

So ding everyone, I went to the snow instead. Now, I was an absolute snow VIRGIN - never touched the stuff before in my life! So now I'm a snow bunny? Think again!

What I supposed was a weekend of skiing, ended up more like this:

Friday.

12pm: Meet at wonderful snow trip organiser's house. Chuck food into cars. Carefully place alcohol into cars. Set off.

1pm: Stop at pub and fast food mecca. Buy more alcohol. Buy some cheeseburgers.

3pm: Stop at another pub. Vodka, lemonade & lime going down well.

5pm: Arrive at lodge. Get started on the Absolut, interspersed with discontinued Cadbury's cream liqueur. Start a game of weird-assed estonial pool using discs instead of balls.

8pm: Sing along to Kevin Bloody Wilson, despite not knowing any of the words. However, my swear vocab is fairly well up to date, so don't need to stress too much. Did you know you can't say cunt in Canada??

10pm: Skip to pub. Drink. Scope the talent. Talk to lesbian sister of lodge manager. Stumble back to lodge.

Back at lodge, watch card games whilst stealing the porno cards to check out the rather huge DICKS on guys. No-one could add up to 21 - perhaps the distraction was too great.

Everything from then on until I went to bed is a blur. I know I was sending the jungle boy pissed text msgs, and I know that trying to get onto the top bunk was the FUCKING FUNNIEST THING THAT I'VE EVER DONE! Had to be there, and all that...

And that was just the first day.


Snow? What snow? The most I got up close and personal with the stuff was when we were walking back from the pub on Saturday night, and my friend was showing me how to make snow angels. I made a great snow angel. I might have slept there too, but for the fact that I knew there was a bottle of Baileys waiting for me at the lodge.


Anyone want to teach me how to actually ski????????????

More cherries, babies, prevention of babies & bouncer auditions

Ahoy, dear readers. Much apology for failure of regular posting. Stupid end of financial year. Stupid clients who can't get their shit together until the last minute. Stupid fucking ********* industry. I have been working like a bitch.

But firstly, a big congratu-fucking-lations to The First Family of Spin, who welcomed into the world their daughter recently. Babies are exciting! I like them lots. Only when I can give them back though!

My 'boy' has just returned from QLD. For the last 10 days, we've been sending each other horny-as-a-bitch text msgs, so when he got back Thursday night and came over, I almost didn't make work yesterday! Same deal this morning - we didn't get out of bed until 1pm. Guess he is just making up for lost time and all that! I did have my first orgasm with him though. Fuck. Yeah.

We finally got around to using condoms, after I got a very STERN lecture from the old ladies at work because I had go and get the morning after pill yesterday morning. Mind you, they used the opportunity to MAKE ME BUY SOME MORNING TEA WHILE I WAS OUT. Mmmm, boston bun. Anyway, jungle boy (so because he wears a cammo T to bed) wasn't keen on the condoms. Sigh. I even put them on with my mouth and all. DOES HE NOT APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICES I MAKE FOR HIM??

Well this paragraph will be void of capital letters, thank god. I now have a choice of injections or the implant. Not sure which tickles my fancy just at this moment, although I think it would be kinda cool to walk around with a rod in my arm, sci-fi style.

Have also been trying to piece together last weekend. Got dragged out to a skanky local pub ("Nice of you to invite your mum & dad, Martie" "Fuck, isn't that Grandma over there?" - yes, it was one of those ones). Luckily I was blind before I even went, thanks to my good friends Butterscotch Schnapps and After dinner mint liqueur, who was a late replacement for the absent Baileys. I like to think of it as a refined, dinner-finisher offerer cowboy. Choice!

I was apparently a picture of total chaos, by nearly breaking someone's hand, impersonating the bouncer by putting the ropes up to the dance floor and totally confusing the old dears, and abusing the manager because he didn't have an incident log. All this and I still had time for a sleep in the toilet and a chat with a hot boy. Excellent. I'm sure all the old people were looking wistful and wishing they could get up to some youthful hijinks like me; unfortunately they had more important business to attend to like trying to find a husband/life partner/root.

And, despite what other people may say, there is no subsitute for a real cheeseburger. Fuck. Yeah.

Think it's time for me to go make more hot sex in a far-away land called Watsonia. Or Greensborough. Or wherever the fuck it is. Thank god they invented Melways on the internet. Ciao for now.