In my previous life, I was a chamber maid

Toilets


Conveniences


Loos


Dunnies


Thrones

I don't care how you want to dress up the name - I HATE THEM. I'm going to have a total Jessica Simpson Tuna/Chicken moment here, but I wish toilets had never been invented.

Why? I hate the aethestic of them, for a start. They are poorly designed, stick out from the wall in an unfashionable way and are just generally ugly.

I'm also a bit of a germ freak when it comes to toilets; you should see me trying to clean my stupid toilet now that I'm living by myself: rubber gloves, longest toilet brush I can find, half a bottle of pine-o-clean, half a bottle of harpic gel, a mask and a hooded top with hood pulled down (I don't know the fuck why either). It takes me longer to get ready and psyche myself up to clean it, that it does to actually clean the thing.

And bad luck if you're building a house. Nearly all new houses now have ensuites.

Eww. I don't want to try and clean myself in direct view of a toilet. It just sits as unhygenic to me. And yes, I now have an ensuite. Showering with your eyes closed is fun, kids!

However, after all this toilet hoo and hahing, it's best left to the latest 'celebrity' on 'celebrity' overhaul, Anthony "It was either me or Casey Donovan" Sumbati to sum up toilet experiences for us all. For apparently, when the Big A goes poo-poo, he can't wipe his own arse, for his girth. The fuck? Do we have to now give him the nickname 'The Dag'??

I think there's something in that for all of us, don't you?